Posted January 20th, 2010 by admin
It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been busy with the holidays, writing a research report with a looming deadline (I’m very happy with the study and think it will be useful), prepping for a bunch of training opportunities, and then doing a lot with Fielding Graduate University’s winter session and with the Dialogue, Deliberation and Public Engagement certificate programs “capstone” meeting in Santa Barbara. I’m just back. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted December 24th, 2009 by admin
So this guy walks up to me and asks, “How are you doing?” “Well,” I replied, “who are you going to believe, me or my oncologist?”
This anecdote describes my situation pretty well, although there is more to be said (of course!). I’m feeling great. I passed a threshold or turned a corner about a week ago. For the first time since I started taking treatments, I don’t feel frail, weak, or sick. Somewhere in the back of my mind or pit of my stomach (feel free to add your favorite metaphor) I have begun to feel “well.”
My oncologist, bless her heart, celebrates this, reminds me that the mind and the body can heal itself and that I am not a statistic, but also reminds me that I have an advanced stage of cancer of a type for which the prognosis is not good. “Take another vacation,” she advised us, which we interpret as “enjoy these good days while you have them.” (Actually, that sounds like good advice for all of us!). Read the rest of this entry »
Posted December 2nd, 2009 by admin
I haven’t written for awhile because 1) we were on a WONDERFUL vacation; 2) then had a very full week of professional and family guests; and 3) I’ve been waiting – with more anticipation/anxiety/hope than I would wish (see previous comments about my continued struggles with “nonattachment”!) for the results of the CT-scan to see how I’m doing. Those results are in, and the news is about as good as it can be, under the circumstances. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted November 3rd, 2009 by admin
This will probably (you never know what to expect from those of us who meander!) be my last posting until the end of November. Kim and I are taking a vacation. When I come back, I’ll have another round of tests and news to report.
I described our vacation this way in an email to friends: Read the rest of this entry »
Posted October 30th, 2009 by admin
One bit of good news: I feel great, Kim says that I look good, and my lab tests show me as doing well. I had a full blood analysis before my most recent pamidronate infusion (last Friday), and, other than being anemic, all other indices of organ function were right in the “normal” range. The anemia is not surprising and I expect that to improve with additional recovery from the drug and radiation treatments earlier this year, and with continued adjustment to my new, vegan, diet.
A second bit of good news: I’m continuing to find support for my belief that I may be able to stall and even reverse the cancer. My friend Don Marrs (thanks, Don!) sent me a NY Times story earlier this week that described the beginnings of a paradigm-shift among cancer researchers. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted October 14th, 2009 by admin
My thoughts during the last week or ten days have been more specific than at other times recently. Or, better said, my experience has been more in-the-moment.
My challenge right now is doing the delicate dance between 1) realistically acknowledging my mortality and present condition and 2) having the healthful, optimistic spirit that gives me the greatest chance of living longer and well.
Feels like a pragmatic paradox. Something like “be spontaneous!” Read the rest of this entry »
Posted October 2nd, 2009 by admin
I’m spending a lot of time doing … well, something. Be generous and call it “meditation.” This is part of the constellation of practices that I’m doing to give my body its best chance for healing itself. And all of this has put me on a steep learning-curve.
Kim and I call what we are doing “spiritual practice” (and why not?). We’ve tried to sort out what that means (the sorting out follows rather than leads our practice) by describing it as “making ‘mystery’ the highest context.”
OK, but what does “making ‘mystery’ the highest context” mean? Read the rest of this entry »
Posted September 25th, 2009 by admin
Today I’m mindful of boundaries. Two that draw my attention are “me-us” and “me-all of it.” These are clumsy phrases, but our shared language is better at naming entities than relationships, so bear with me as I use these clumsy hyphenated phrases.
Being told that I have cancer…and then going through more than a month-long process designed to find out what kind of cancer (a process that repeatedly and then ultimately shattered hopes by settling on the least-preferred outcome)…has a certain attention-focusing effect, and the effect is to focus on “me.”
That’s not an altogether bad thing. I’ve come to understand that I have not treated my body in the same way that I strive to treat other people; I’ve been in a “command-and-control” communication system with my body rather than a “dialogic” system. And I’m working to change that. (No: I HAVE changed that! And I’m working to make that change “normal” and permanent.) Read the rest of this entry »
Posted September 16th, 2009 by admin
The title alludes to the adage that “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But one of the promises of being human is that we can learn and can (ahem!) manage our meanings.
And this brings me to the question of why I lay awake most of the night and am at my computer at 5 a.m. typing these words. Later today, I will have a CT-scan that will show whether the drug that I’m taking and all of the other things that I’m doing (diet, acupuncture, mind-body work) are having an effect on my cancer. And I find my attention commanded by the various possible results of that test. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted September 6th, 2009 by admin
I started writing this on a train on a rainy Saturday in Denmark. I was travelling from Snekkersten, on the northeast corner of Zealand, to Arhus, on the east coast of Jutland. I have just finished five consecutive days of all-day work and I’m: 1) tired and 2) delighted that I can do the work. It is a trade-off between accepting the stress of travel and work on one hand and, on the other, keeping control of my life. I had planned to finish this on the train, but was pleasantly interrupted by the coincidence of sitting across the aisle from a woman who remembered me from some work we did together years ago. I had a nice conversation with her and her partner, and it was nice to see her happy and doing well. So I’m finishing writing in my hotel room on a rare sunny September Sunday, and will probably walk down to the harbor when I finish, just to enjoy the sun and fresh air. Read the rest of this entry »
