Posted April 10th, 2011 by admin
I haven’t written for this blog for a while. I’m hanging in, still living in an unstable and frequently skewed balance between uncertainty and hope. I have another PET scan coming soon and will get that check on what’s going on where I can’t see. In the meantime, every ache and pain common to us AARP-qualified folk comes with the silent question “is this JUST an age-appropriate symptom?” People tell me that I look well (“compared to what?” is my unspoken response); I’m grateful for that for all sorts of good reasons (what we pay attention to grows; the mind is a powerful thing; etc.) and I’m choosing to believe them.
Two reasons for not writing much recently. One reason is that 2011 began as a hard year. A combination of good things and bad left me exhausted by end of February, and I am surprised and disappointed to find how little energy I have – or, better said, how few reserves of energy I have to call on. The other reason is that I’ve been captured by a paper I started writing in November or December. It is something of a combination of a mature reflection on my professional life with attention to things undone (I call them “horizons” in the paper) and a prolegomena of sorts to all the work that I’ve done (I focus on the contexts in which to think about that work and call them a series of “miracles”). The finished (? Is any paper really finished? This is version 3.0) paper is available here: http://pearceassociates.com/essays/documents/AtHomeintheUniversewithMiraclesandHorizonsv3-1.pdf. Enjoy!
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Posted January 8th, 2011 by admin
I’m delighted to report that the latest PET scan showed that, while the cancer is progressing, it is doing so much more slowly than my doctors expected. As a result, we’ve reduced the frequency of PET scans and meetings with my oncologist…in fact, the next one will be on the two-year anniversary of the initial diagnosis. I’m very grateful for this time. I’m also continuing all the things that we’ve been doing, although becoming just a tad less draconian about my diet. We bought a machine so that we can make soy-milk lattes at home and I have (no more than) one several days a week (we can make sure that the soy-milk is unsweetened), I have an occasional small glass of wine with dinner, and I had turkey for Christmas dinner and maybe once a month enjoy chicken tikka masala at my favorite Indian restaurant. Let the good times roll! Even though Kim and I are very realistic, we are making specific plans for all of 2011 and general plans for several years in the future. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted November 26th, 2010 by admin
Kim and I have just returned from a five weeks “on the road.” It seems like a long time to be living out of suitcases. Our suitcases are unpacked and put away; laundry is finished; we haven’t yet retrieved our puppy from the “pet resort” where he celebrated Thanksgiving with a bunch of his canine friends; and we are just settling in. It’s good to be home.
It was a good trip. About half was vacation: a cruise and then visiting with son Daniel in Spain where he’s doing a “study abroad.” The other half was work: Kim and I led a series of workshops, most of which focused on “CMM as Spiritual Practice” (what we see as the cusp – or one of the cusps – of CMM’s current evolution) and “Teaching CMM” (for people who already know CMM and are teaching it to clients and/or students). What fun!
Several of the sponsoring organizations were kind enough to tell us that they would like us to return, and this inevitably raised the question about whether I will be able to travel and work in the future. Our answer was cautious: I’ll have another PET scan in about two weeks and, if the results are encouraging, then we’ll make plans for various lengths of time in the future.
The larger issue, of course, is that of living in a state of uncertainty. (I’ll get to “mystery” in a minute.) Read the rest of this entry »
Posted October 13th, 2010 by admin
It’s been a long time since I’ve written for this blog. Several times I’ve wanted to but didn’t because I’ve been spending far too much time at the computer and haven’t been very centered.
It’s been an interesting phenomenon – I’ve been thinking at two levels (if that’s a useful way of putting it). One is the level that I’ve been deliberately, mindfully cultivating (call it being on the path to spiritual evolution – but laugh at the pretentiousness of that phrase when you do!) and the other way is the same old, same old – call it letting a project become the highest level of context; feeling the “oughtness” of having to finish before an externally-set deadline; being mentally exhausted by over-using the same set of neural connections; and having aches and pains from sitting in the same old position with fingers on a keyboard and insulated by focused concentration from all the things going on around me. Wow! What a long-winded way of saying “working too hard.”
So let me start with a newsy report and then add a few observations and thoughts. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted September 5th, 2010 by admin
These days, I’m mindful of being alive; of not taking it for granted; of savoring moments.
Like tonight: I did a couple repetitions of all the taiji that I know (only about 1/3 of the first third of the routine) and my body was warm. I felt the cool breeze on my skin and celebrated being alive to experience it. Flowers and birds are more beautiful than they “need” to be, and I’m enjoying them. I watched a squirrel eating a nut and admired the symmetry of form as he curled his tail in juxtaposition to his hunched body. I look at Kim’s face in the morning (and the evening and a thousand other times during the day) and her new hair-do tonight (!) and I rejoice in the opportunity. I’m cultivating a sensitivity to what I call “moments of grace” as neighbors casually do helpful things for each other and strangers give the gifts of hospitality, courtesy and thoughtfulness. I’ve always enjoyed beauty, particularly natural beauty, but it has taken this kick-in-the-head, this professional prophecy of all this being taken away, for me to savor it with this intensity. I am so profoundly grateful for this day and for the hope of tomorrow, and for the opportunity to do work that I think is significant.
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Posted August 22nd, 2010 by admin
Someone once said that puns are the lowest form of humor and that he who puns is lower. Who cares? When I’m in a good mood, puns come naturally and joyfully (as the title of this posting might attest) and I’m comforted by the observation that Shakespeare is estimated at having over 3,000 puns in his published work.
A tale of a short, wagging tail
Luke-the-dog and I have just returned from an hour in the park, where he played soccer with a basketball, pushing it around with his nose. It is “our” game in that he tires of it quickly if I don’t take a turn by capturing the ball – often physically wrestling it from between his feet – and throwing it so that he can chase it again. And I observed him running full speed with a big smile on his face (and a tail that seemed in danger of falling off, it was wagging so hard). Read the rest of this entry »
Posted August 14th, 2010 by admin
I have two bits of good news.
First good news: I’m “stable”!
I haven’t been feeling well for the past month, and had another (scheduled) PET scan last week. We were delighted at the results. The headline is “stable.” There are no new tumors and the existing ones have only progressed slightly. HOORAY! Read the rest of this entry »
Posted August 1st, 2010 by admin
In my last posting, I wrote about music. Jon-Roar says that it is the first thing that we encounter and the last thing that we lay aside. I’m not so sure about that. If you count rhythm as music, then I agree that it is something that we encounter prenatally. The rhythm of our mothers’ heartbeats, the rhythm of her movements, etc. But this posting is about stories and interactions. I think these are things that we experience very early, as well, and things that are at least near the last things that we lay aside.
I’m thinking about this, in part, because we’ve had a wonderful time with various members of my extended family. As soon as Kim finished teaching Spring quarter, we went to north Georgia and to east and middle Tennessee to visit beloved Little Sister and her husband, daughters and their families, and father and his companion.
Did I mention all SEVEN grandchildren? Read the rest of this entry »
Posted July 5th, 2010 by admin
This has been a hard month—we’ve been making decisions using a calculus that balances quality of life with length of life, factoring in uncertain probabilities of each. I have several electronic calculators, some solar-powered and some battery-operated, but NONE of them have this function on them!
Kim came up with a clarifying terminology. She said that we are living in “alternate universes.” When we are at home or play or work, I’m feeling good and we are happy and productive. When we are talking with our doctors about the results of the various scans and measurements, we both get depressed. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted June 19th, 2010 by admin
A friend left a note about something else, and then added “Hope you get well soon!”
It was a conventional thing to say…and it hurt, because “get well” (as my oncologist reminded me forcefully on Thursday) isn’t a reasonable prospect for me. (Unless there is a miracle – more on that below – but a miracle isn’t “reasonable.) My hope is to prolong my current condition as long as I can. So, what DO you say to someone whom you wish well (as my friend so sincerely did) but who isn’t going to “get well”?
We don’t do death and dying well, do we? Read the rest of this entry »
